Wednesday, June 22, 2011

The Control

A few hours later [June 6th, 2011], as I sat in my bed, I realized that I had no control over the diagnosis. That had been concluded. I had no control over the treatment of this disease, the medicine and the hospital isolation that I was about to face. So, I lowered my head and looked towards the floor, away from seeing worried faces in my hospital room. I knew I could exercise direction over something. Now, I needed to figure them out and fast. It occurred to me that I needed to shift the dark world that I had been placed in and immediately bring light to it. I was on a serious mission to find my sunshine. Right away thoughts of things I could actually control started coming to mind. I was becoming my own inspiration. I was providing myself strength without even realizing it. I became uplifted in more than one way, mentally, emotionally, morally and spiritually.
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On the basis of control, I knew I could command myself to do positive things like smile and laugh as much as possible. I could eliminate and/or deal with negative thoughts and fears in my head. I could choose what I ate. I could prevent a bad moment from lasting the whole day. I could spread and make felt my force and energy to win this fight. I could share my story. I...could still make decisions! And that made me feel powerful along with feeling sufficient strength to reach remission.
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Arrangements were being made that day for our flights to Canada. The healthcare insurance company which covered my expenses in Florida had quickly reached it's limit and needed me to be medically evacuated soon. I was dealing with so much and now I was squeezing in the fact that this was a timely and efficient movement that was gonna take place the next morning at 4am. I was going to receive en route care on a medevac aircraft with medical personnel by my side. Everything was revolving rapidly. We were making decisions at the blink of an eye. My head was whirling with thoughts. This departure meant leaving our home, our place of comfort, for an undetermined amount of time. It affected me. What served as a source of comfort was that we would return and be happier than ever. I could feel it. I could imagine it.
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My immune system was very low. My white blood cells which produce antibodies to respond and fight infection wouldn't be able to destroy bacteria. Therefore, the lack of protection forced me into isolation. This meant in no way I could leave the hospital room. No going home to pack my belongings. Occurring only in my mind, I had to prepare my personal items in a suitcase. This was done over the phone with my husband and friend who shuffled through our house, gathering what I told them to bring. That aspect was challenging. We managed and got the job done.
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To be continued...
Sincere thanks to family and friends who were there for us in Florida. We couldn't have done it without YOU!

4 comments:

Tales of a young mamma said...

I have tears in my eyes as I'm reading this. Just got caught up on your previous blog posts. I wish I had something to say to make you feel better, even for just a second. It's so unbelievably sad and unfair. I'm so thankful for you that you seem to have an amazing support system. I will be praying for you.

Darlene

J and A said...

Love your positive attitude Monique. That will get you through all the tough times for sure. I hope you made it to Canada safely. Take care!

Amanda Murray said...

you're a beautiful writer with beautiful thoughts and a very articulate way to put them into words. I admire you more than ever. Stay strong. Your positive thoughts and control over your mind will get you farther than you even realize. Love ya!

CMD said...

Your attitude is so incredibly inspirational, Monique! I sometimes have trouble making the best of situations and what I DO have control over in every day life... and here you are doing it the very same day that a life-changing bombshell has been dropped on you. You've certainly inspired me to re-think the way I respond to certain situations. It's amazing what a difference a positive attitude can make!